Transparency

I do not really know where this blog is starting or where this is going. I was just given a title and felt led to begin typing. 
Transparency. "Let's be real". "Let's be honest". How ever you want to say it, it is something that we as disciples need to constantly look to Christ for the ability to "be real" with others. To be transparent. To ask for help or for prayer. To ask a brother or sister to intercede in prayer for us. 
I do not really know what the root of it is. Pride? Fear of rejection? Embarrassment? 

Well you all.. I've got some news. We are all struggling. Just take a look at 1 Peter 5:9... 

"Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood in the world."

Clear as day. The same sufferings! This is meant to encourage us! Other people struggling and over coming is a blessing. How can we be encouraged if people aren't being transparent with their struggles? How can we lift one another up? We can't. That is why we need transparency. 1 Peter 5:5 says: 

"God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble"

In that spirit, I want to become very transparent as of now. I need that supernatural grace. I am asking for support and prayer about what is to follow.


My current struggles

I have been in a total rut. Every since the Lord allowed me to hit rock bottom, ending up in the hospital for eight days with a life threatening issue. Things looked up immediately after. Things began to get better. Looking back I see it was because my husband was making true changes. I was making changes, but something was missing - my time.

I kept telling the Lord, oh when this semester is over I will have all the time to give to you. Well, the end of semester came and went. Winter break and all of its excitements came. I was slowly growing, but not how I needed to... not how I know that the Lord can grow me. Once again, I wasn't putting in the time.

I told myself, a new routine would allow me to put in the time. I tried to adjust. It lasted one day. I tried to fast, the grace came, and it went as soon as I failed in completing my fast. 

This season has been hard, but he has constantly been providing, but still... I am not giving him my time. 

It has gotten to the point where I reach for Him, and feel that He is just not there. I constantly battle the lies from the enemy telling me all types of horrid things. I battle worthlessness and emptiness. I battle constant feelings of rejection. I battle laziness. I battle anger, wrath, and rage like I never have before. The worst part is, I say that I battle, but the enemy is the only one who seems to be waging war. I am sitting back, letting my camp get hopelessly attacked from every angle at every moment. I am not arming my troops. I am not picking up my sword. I have lost my fight, from a point of feeling like it is pointless. That even if I try, I am going to fail. 


so here I sit

Being transparent. Asking for brothers and sisters. Asking for prayer. Asking for someone to wage war with me.
I want out of this. I want to be better. I miss being better. I fondly remember the days when following the Lord was where I put my joy. Where speaking to Him was not something I did daily, weekly, or monthly, but numerous times a day in every situation. 

I am trying. I am reaching. This is my attempt at humility seeking grace.

This is me being transparent and asking you all to do the same.